All About Bondage

Bondage, BDSM, SM, domination, submission. All of these terms seemingly go together, right? Well, yes and no. You can be into bondage play and not be a Dominant or Submissive. Conversely, you can be a Dominant or Submissive and not be into bondage. Although, there is a greater likelihood of bondage being used in a Domination scenario. Similarly, BDSM or SM is not the same as bondage. Confused? I am sure you are. There is a lot to know about these concepts. Let's clear that up for you. This is everything bondage.

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First - Definitions.
OK, so there are a lot of terms that need to be defined before any coherent discussion of this rather wide topic can begin.

Let's begin with:

Bondage- Sexual practice that involves the restraint of one partner.

Bondage Play- Applying types of bondage toys and methods to create a fun, sexy experience.

Dominant- A person who takes control in a sexual situation, creating any number of scenarios in which another person(s) bends to their sexual or other wishes or desires.

Submissive- A person who gets sexual satisfaction from taking orders or otherwise being under the physical or mental control of another.

Switch- A person who is comfortable taking on the roles of both a Dominant and a submissive; can float between them as he or she wants to.

BDSM- Has a whole different connotation and the letters can actually mean different things depending on the circle / context of the situation:

B- Bondage
D- Discipline OR Dominance
S- Sadism OR submission
M- Masochism

For further definition:

Discipline- Reprimanding a submissive for conduct which is deemed disrespectful to a Dominant.

Sadism- Deriving sexual pleasure from inflicting pain, harm or humiliation on another person

Masochism- Deriving sexual pleasure from receiving pain, harm or humiliation at the hands of another person

Seems like a lot to understand doesn't it? Once a couple begins exploring bondage play or Dominant/ submissive (D/s) play, things seem to fall into place rather quickly, usually. The most important thing to understand about bondage or D/s play is that it is all interchangeable and there really are no *musts* when it comes to this.

You can enjoy a little bondage play, let's say with some light restraints, and never, ever be considered a Dominant. Likewise, you can engage in D/s play and not use restraints. The rules are pretty fluid, and the levels of play are also negotiable. Some couples are extremely serious about their roles as Dominants /submissives, while others sort of role play. It is all up to the particular make-up of the couple. For more specific information on all of these terms, please read, Beginner's Guide To Bondage.

Dominant or submissive?

Many people have an innate understanding of what it means to be a Dominant or a submissive. It is just something that they feel inside themselves, like a need that must be met. Others may feel a certain way when in sexual relationships, for example they feel aroused or sexually fulfilled when they are told what to do or taken more forcefully. Conversely, some people find that same sexual fulfillment when they are in charge of a person sexually. These are definitely clues that you may be Dominant or submissive.

Or, the understanding can be more fluid, and in this case we say that you may have Dominant or submissive tendencies. This means that you lean one way or another, but you do not completely need that type of identity role to find sexual happiness.

For definition purposes and clarity:

Dom. Terms: Dominant, Dom/Domme, Master or Sir

[s]ub. Terms: submissive, sub, slave

*Note: submissive is always with a small "s" to signify a lesser status

Other Terms: switch (can go back and forth), brat (likes to be submissive, but to defy the Dominant)

How do you decide what role you fit into?
Well, as I wrote above, most people who are strongly one or the other just KNOW that they are a Dominant or Submissive. For others it may take some figuring out. Our personalities usually will help us to align ourselves.

For example, if you are a person who really enjoys going the extra mile for your partner in all ways, you will pamper them, buy them special presents all the time, have a need to have all of their favorite foods or drinks available, get joy out of taking care of them, would always take care of their needs prior to yours, especially sexually, and get aroused at the idea of that person using you for sexual release...well you are likely a submissive. I make this point in this blog, Dominant or submissive?, in which I strive to help people who are unsure of their delineation to ferret out what they may be.

What does it mean to be a Dominant or submissive?
Just because you align as a Dominant or submissive doesn't mean you have an obligation to live a sexual life (or full life) in one role or the other. Many people know, strongly, that they are one or the other but never really engage in any activities that are particular to that role. Others feel a very strong NEED to engage in activities that do represent that role. One thing is for sure, if you know which side of the fence you fall on it is much easier to find activities that will satisfy you sexually. Furthermore, it is a really great when both partners understand the dynamic and can feel off one another during sexual scenarios.

The problems can align when both partners identify as the same thing- both Dominants or both submissives. It usually will not work out well if both partners are attempting to take control of the sexual situation all the time and strong Dominants will be very unhappy with this dynamic. Usually, submissives are very sexually attracted to Dominant personalities, and vice versa, so in this way it usually works out.

D/s for play or lifestyle?
There are many people who live a D/s lifestyle. This means that they are in the role of D/s in their lives all the time as much as possible. These people are very seriously aligned to their role and feel a sense of ease and happiness when they are within it. This is not the norm, but those who do live this way find themselves in occupations that support that role. For example, many times very Dominant people have very powerful jobs where they can be in charge and then are involved (or married) to a submissive person who is there for their sexual fulfillment and may not even work, or their specific occupation is service-related. There are exceptions to this of course, but this is the norm for those who live a 24/7 - D/s lifestyle.

Some persons get into D/s play for the opposite reason. They may have a very powerful job, high stress and high responsibility, but when they are on their own time in a sexual situation they do not want that power. They want to be free of responsibility and allow their partner to take control of them. In this way it is a very relaxing dynamic. Conversely, some people who have an occupation where they have no power really get a sexual thrill out of being able to be in control in the bedroom. People in these situations often role play D/s, and it is not a lifestyle choice.

Living as a Dominant or submissive
Whichever situation you gravitate toward, it can take some practice and understanding with your partner on how to foster your Dominant or submissive needs. You also may need to come to grips with your true nature and research all the ways that this plays into your sexual happiness.

Special note: Try not to get caught up in defining yourself if you do not feel strongly about this subject. Many couples enjoy some light bondage play, role playing, or will switch around their sexual play to include scenarios that may fit into a D/s category. This does NOT mean that you are definably D/s or that you need to expand on this play. You can enjoy sexual scenarios with a tinge of this dynamic, but it surely doesn't mean you have to turn your entire life around to fit the occasional desire.

However, if you find that this is more of a legitimate NEED, then you may want to explore these roles more thoroughly and see if these scenarios bring you immense sexual pleasure and comfort. IF so, you will want to discuss with your partner and perhaps explore the possibilities more thoroughly.

Bondage- Bondage Play

The first thing to get cleared up is that bondage / bondage play do not necessarily have to go hand in hand with a D/s relationship (but they often do in some ways). Bondage is using physical restraints or restrictions with a partner. There are many spoken and unspoken rules of bondage play, no matter your level of play. There are many people who take their bondage play very seriously, almost like a cult following. Then there are people who simply enjoy a little tie-up every so often.

Why bondage play?
This is a huge question, why would I even WANT to be tied up / tie up my partner? Don't I want interaction? I don't want to rape him / her. First and foremost, rape is NOT consensual; bondage IS consensual, so they are not even close to the same thing. Secondly, for those who participate and enjoy bondage it is because the feeling of losing some sense of control (in varying degrees) heightens the sexual experience. For example, if all you do is put a blindfold over your lover's eyes (and who hasn't tried that?) you will find out very quickly that this extremely heightens the experience and makes everything feel that much better.

Similarly, for some people being able to have a partner who trusts them enough to be restrained is a turn on in and of itself, but then imagine being able to touch and tease their body while they writhe around in pleasure. Doesn't that sound amazing? It is, but you have to experience it to realize just how pleasing it is.

So, whether you have tried bondage before or are just thinking of giving it a go, these are the primary things you need to know to begin or continue bondage play.

1. Trust is a Must.
As I indicate in my very first point in, How To Try Bondage For The First Time, you have got to have trust of your partner. Bondage play involves some activities that can be scary, and yes, even dangerous. You need to have a partner who you can trust to follow your instructions, to stop if you need to, and to overall make sure that you are not harmed in any way (other than what you agree to) during bondage play. You should always have trust in a sexual partner, but when adding bondage to the menu it is even more important to have that trust. If you have ANY doubt whatsoever that you can trust this person, do NOT engage in any type of bondage experience.

2. Safe Words Matter.
There are many rules surrounding bondage play. These rules re necessary for the safety and security of both partners. The very first rule is that you absolutely, positively MUST have a safe word. A safe word is an usual word that can be said during any stage of bondage play where a partner experiences unwanted pain or otherwise wants all activity to stop. This word should be something that would not be uttered normally during sex, and is not simply "no" or "stop" since sometimes saying no is part of the game. The safe word is known by both partners and the agreement is if either one says the word, all activity stops until the partner who said the safe word indicates that it is OK. Furthermore, many couple also have a safe gesture, eye movement, or sound that can be used if, for whatever reason, the voice cannot be used.

Safe words should be used by ALL bondage players, not just those new to the activity. In fact, seasoned bondage players may actually have a greater need for a safe word because of the more intense level of bondage play.

3. Open, Hard, and Soft Limits.
If you have seen any of the 50 Shades movies, or read the books, then you are vaguely familiar with the idea of defining limits. In a sexual relationship that involves bondage play, it is absolutely necessary to discuss with your partner what activities are off limits/ which activities require permission. Setting these limits help the play to go flawlessly and without confusion or the breaking of trust.

Open limits- Sexual activities that are always acceptable and need no permission or other preparation

Soft limits- Sexual activities that a person would like to try, but which cause anxiety or fear, and require permission or special care to engage in

Hard limits- Sexual activities which are NOT permissible, and must be avoided unless the limits are redefined

The easiest way to have a discussion about what you would like to do in a sexual situation is to discuss these options, outside of a sexual situation, with your partner. It is absolutely essential that you are completely honest about your desires, since there may not be another opportunity to say no once play begins.

4. Skip The Sex At First.
While bondage has a huge sexual component, it is usually advisable for any new players to skip the sex the first go-round. Bondage is something that may take some getting used to, on both the part of the submissive (one being bound) and the Dominant (the one doing the bondage). Yes, as I previously said just because you are using bondage does not mean you are into a D/s relationship. However, it is easier to definite the roles using these terms.

If you are very new to the game, try some suggestions from All About Restraining Your Partner.

In any case, experimenting with bondage scenarios is stressful for some, and in some instances the person being bound decides that he/she is uncomfortable with the situation and no longer feels aroused or excited by it. This is why doing a dry run to see if the situation lends itself to being sexually arousing is necessary before adding sex to the formula.

5. Start Slowly.
There is a saying, "You should walk before you run." This is very apropos for a bondage situation. You do not want to jump into bondage like you are a master and know everything there is to know about it. No, you want to take your time, learn what you and your partner like and are interested in, bring the restraining and the bondage items in slowly to allow maximum comfort. When you take your time, and learn the ropes (pun intended) you are both going to have a better time.

A huge component to bondage play is being able to explore your partner's body while they are bound. Taking away their ability to move will greatly intensify the sensations of touch. Many people find it so intense that they can't handle it right away. While others immediately love that feeling of helplessness and find it extremely arousing and erotic. Because you will never know what reaction your partner will have it is so important to go slowly, to try one thing at a time instead of going full-force and full on restraint the first time out. There is a lot to explore and learn, and pleasure is the ultimate goal here. 

Bondage Items
One of the fantastic things about adding bondage play into your sexual rotation is that there are so many items that you can use to enhance the experience. Whether you are new to the bondage scene, or are a pretty dedicated player, there are items that can be used in many different ways and with different purposes to bring your bondage fantasies to life.

Some of the most standard bondage items are:

* Restraints / restraint systems

* Handcuffs

* Ball Gags Rope / Tape

* Shibari (Japanese bondage art)

* Bondage suits

* Collars / leashes

* Spreader Bars

* Bondage cages / boxes

* Sex Swings

* Bondage tables / chairs

* Bondage crosses

* Whips / Paddles / Floggers

* Blindfolds

Keep in mind these are just the basics of bondage gear. You can find some very severe items depending on where you search and how serious you are about the activity. There are bondage restraints which can be deadly if used incorrectly. Some are meant to exact a lot of pain, while others are meant to immobilize someone to the point of near immobilization.

The fact is, however, that most people are content with some light rope or restraint play. Here are some of the most common and popular bondage items that newbies can enjoy:

-Ultimate Bed Bondage System
-Red Fur Lined Collar & Leash
-Scandal Collar Restraint System
-Knotty You Sex Rope Kit
-MasterKink Pleasure Tape
-Charlotte's Fetish Wrist Cuffs

If you are looking for information on how to try some of the most basic and popular bondage items, take a gander at 5 Popular Bondage Items and How To Use Them.

BDSM.

On the sort of far end of the bondage play spectrum comes the split genre of BDSM play. BDSM, as defined above, is a complex myriad of activities that include bondage, and sometimes Domination and submission, but not always. The largest definer of a BDSM encounter is that there is a certain intensity to the bondage that is not present in a normal bondage play scenario. There also may be elements of discipline, which is when the Dominant partner "punishes" the submissive when that submissive disappoints him/ her in some way. Discipline dynamics are not always present with this dynamic, which is why the "D" in the acronym stands for both Dominant AND Discipline.

Sadism and Masochism. Statistically, those who practice Sadism or Masochism during bondage are in the minority. Simply liking a bit of pain with your pleasure does not make you a masochist. When we discuss true masochism, we refer to those who get extreme, orgasmic, and intense pleasure from more extreme pain scenarios. They also may get the same pleasure from psychological sadism. Meaning, the Dominant person is humiliating them in some way.

However, a sadist is someone who enjoys inflicting pain and gets extreme sexual pleasure from it. Sadists are sort of in their own little genre of the sexual world because sadists, more often than not, encounter a sort of escalation in the amount of pain they want to inflict. While it is true that masochists will often get a tolerance for certain types of pain, a sadist truly enjoys figuring out how much pain he / she can inflict on a willing participant.

This is the crux of this dynamic- CONSENT!

Without consent you have an abusive situation that is not legal nor pleasurable. When a couple consents, knowingly, to participate in a S/M situation then they both understand what the other person desires, and they consent to this type of activity.

Those who participate in a BDSM relationship use bondage to a more extreme manner. They may look toward extreme restraint, find paddles and whips a necessary part of their equipment, experiment with more and more restrictive devices, choose to gag their submissive partner, and just overall gravitate towards pressing both the physical and mental limits of the dynamic.

In some ways BDSM qualifies as a fetish because for a true Sadist or Masochist, this is a need for orgasmic release.

Domination / submission and BDSM- two sides of the same coin. The reason that these terms are often thrown together and discussed together, despite being completely different, is that often you can't have one without the other. For example, if you are not a submissive person you are likely not going to allow someone to inflict pain on you. Conversely, if you are not a Dominant personality you may have a hard time hurting someone, even if they claim to enjoy it. So, while these are different aspects of a similar sexual genre, they are intrinsically different.

What is interesting, and somewhat amusing, is how many popular movies, books and even porno flicks have gotten bondage WRONG. Often, they take the bondage scenarios to the extreme, or they lump it into a Domination / submission scene and make it seem like it fits. Hell, even the 50 Shades of Gray movies get it somewhat wrong at times. 

My point is that bondage, Domination, submission, sadism, masochism, discipline- all of these situations can, and do, exist on their own. You can be a Dominant, but not want to ever harm your submissive. You can have submissive tendencies, but not want to be a part of a D/s relationship. You can enjoy having pain inflicted on you, but not want to be subservient all the time. These things are unique unto themselves and this is the crux of the difficulty in understanding it all.

Final Thoughts On Bondage

As you can see there is a lot to discuss when taking on the subject of bondage. This should not deter you from trying some activities out, however, because bondage play can be extremely fun. Some people will never go beyond the fuzzy handcuffs, while others will find themselves perusing the bondage section and getting more and more items to try.

Bondage play can be extremely rewarding for those couples who are interested in exploring it. Being a true Dominant or submissive and being allowed to fulfill that sexual role can bring immense freedom and a renewed sense of sexual self. Oftentimes when a true Dominant or submissive is given the chance to explore that side they report feeling more sexually satisfied than ever before. That alone is reason to try, don't you think?

Bondage can be used for foreplay, for BDSM or D/s purposes. It can be used with or without the tools of the trade. Quite honestly, the sky is the limit when it comes to this activity, so why not take yourself to the limit?

IF you are interested in learning more about all things bondage, see these blogs for reference, you won't be disappointed:

-Foreplay Tips For Bondage Sex
-7 Beginner Bondage Products for Couples
-Sex Swing Positions For An Erotic Evening

So, there you go! If you have even the slightest inkiling to explore bondage or if you feel like you are a Dominant waiting to come out of your shell, you should have enough information now to figure out how to begin exploring the wonderful world of bondage.