Obstacles to Sexual Connection and How to Overcome Them
Stepping back to consider any recent life changes and developments is important when identifying what might be causing a rift between you and your partner in the bedroom. Check out our list of the most common obstacles to sexual connection and review our advice on the best ways to overcome them. Keep in mind that the situations we’ve highlighted may not apply to yours. If you feel that one of these issues is a possibility, then ask your lover about it. Honest discussion, not confrontation, is the best way to handle things when solving sexual relationship problems.
Common Obstacles to Sexual Connection
Stress, Stress, Stress
Stress will impact your relationship at some point. Whether you've had a long day at work, a difficult conversation, worries about everyday challenges, it can get the best of you. However, when acknowledged and managed appropriately, it doesn’t have to be a permanent factor.
Stress can cause performance issues in the bedroom by making it hard to escape your thoughts of worry and keeping you from being present in the moment. This can impact you from effectively communicating with your partner and even change how your body usually reacts to sexual stimulation and keep you from being aroused.
So, how do you control something that may out of your control?
Take a moment to try and evaluate how you're feeling and talk to your partner. Maybe you just need to take a deep breath and ask your partner if they're open to spending more time on foreplay together to make you feel more relaxed before moving on to other forms of sex.
Communication and taking your time can do wonders for your arousal!
Even if you try to talk it out and slow down, sometimes life will be too stressful for you to relax this way. There is never a need to force it, there is no shame in changing your mind if you're not in the mood. Ongoing consent is important so please communicate with your partner through your sexual encounter if you feel doubt in wanting to continue.
If stress is a recurring obstacle in your life, please talk to your medical provider about what options you may have to relieve it.
Body Image
Our sex drive can be directly tied to our self-image for better or for worse. You might want to be on top with your partner to show off your physique when you're feeling confident or you may feel so negative about your body image that you find it hard to become aroused at all.
Things like putting on fluctuations in weight, hair loss or gain, blemishes, and more can take a toll to our self-image.
If you're feeling down about your body image, please remember every body is beautiful. There is no such thing as a "perfect body." Your body is worthy of love just the way it is in this moment.
As we live our life our bodies will change for any number of reasons and it's up to us to find the beauty within ourselves to grow our genuine self-love. It's a lifelong journey, but it's worth investing time into nurturing your relationship with yourself and your body.
If you're feeling trouble with feeling connected sexually due to your negative self-image, start by exploring your sexual relationship with yourself emotionally and physically. Consider trying to familiarize yourself with your body parts and become comfortable touching yourself in a pleasurable way through masturbation. If you're able to feel pleasure you're creating yourself, you may feel more comfortable with choosing to enjoy that pleasure with your partner too!
Different Libidos
What if you have a super high sex drive but your partner does not- or vice versa? Although we all go through high and low times when it comes to our sex drives, it's likely that partners will not have the exact same libido to begin with. Just because you may not start off on the same page doesn't mean you can't create a sexual relationship that's satisfying for both of you!
Having an honest conversation with your partner about how often you'd ideally like to have sex can open dialogue to set expectations that work for both of you. Being mindful and respectful of both partners' needs and desires is always important.
Once you have a conversation with them, if you feel like there isn't enough time in the day to do it even when you're both all riled up, there's no shame in scheduling sex! Knowing you're going to get down and dirty with your lover in the future can even create excitement and arousal in advance.
Pro tip: Have a hot date planned and you're both planning on being intimate together? Send them a sexy text with a teaser of what you're excited to do with them later.
Age
As we age, most of us discover things that do not work as quickly or as well as they did before. Erections may take longer to achieve, and not stay as hard as they once did. Natural vaginal lubrication can be more difficult to produce. Overall, your sensitive parts might be less sensitive than they used to be. With these new challenges, you may not know how to comfortably navigate sex.
Have no fear, we're here to help! You can still have delicious, satisfying sex as you age.
These products are here to support your desires:
Yes, lube! If you're looking to enhance your natural lubrication or incorporate toys into your sex life, this is the best place to start. This non-staining, water-based lube is safe to use on any toy material and even on sensitive skin.
If you're looking to add a boost of sensation while masturbating or having sex with a partner, this massage wand is an incredible addition to your routine! Easy to clean and no batteries required- it's rechargeable! Use this on the nipples, clitoris, base of the penis, anus, or any other erogenous zone.
Hollow Strap-Ons are a great option for those with a penis who may have a hard time achieving or maintaining an erection. The dildo in this set is made of soft silicone on the outside and has a hard interior for you to slide your penis into. You and your partner's comfort is in mind with this product!
Additions to the Family
Whether it's a new puppy or a new baby, an addition to your family will shake things up! Even with all the excitement and love surrounding your new addition, it can also make having sex the way you did prior more difficult.
Many people find comfort in routine and it can be difficult to build a new one that works for everyone in your household. Finding time to intimately connect with your partner may seem low on the priority list at this time, but even in small doses it will benefit your relationship.
Creating opportunities to connect whether it's an extra kiss when saying goodbye in the morning or getting your lover a sweet card when you're running errands can go a long way to building regular romantic connection again. Remember, you started this new journey together!
With time, intention, and communication you can find a way to be excited about sex together again and get back into a rhythm.
Medical Issues
If you or your partner are struggling with your sexual connection due to a short or long-term medical issue, first please consult your medical provider to ensure you're still able to safely have sex and if there are any recommendations or restrictions they suggest.
The Hard Truth
Most of the time when we want to get back on track with our lovers, we find a way to heal after sexual relationship problems occur. Sexual disconnection doesn’t always last forever and fluctuates over time. Unfortunately, not all relationships can be saved. Trying to remember what caused you to fall in love or lust with your partner in the first place can help you revisit those emotions and encourage you to keep trying, but this isn’t always healthy when signs indicate it’s time to move on.
If you’ve had conversation after conversation, and each time it ended in "I will try" (and then doesn't) or "I can't figure out what is wrong" (and leaves it there) or "I am not interested in sex anymore" (and doesn't seem to be bothered by that), you need to recognize this as a red flag. You don’t have to settle for an unsatisfying relationship that fails to meet your emotional and sexual needs. Of course, the opposite is also true if your partner is consistently pressuring you for sex and you are not enjoying yourself. Sex is not a favor: it should be fun for both of you. If you’re not in the mood, they need to respect this.
Ways to Overcome Any Obstacle to Sexual Connection
Mending Matters with Honesty and Communication
Most of the sexual connection obstacles we’ve talked about have had one common solution: honesty and non-confrontational communication. When we commit to another person and decide to be intimate, it is our obligation to be open, honest, and forthcoming with that person when sexual relationship problems arise. We need to let them know when we are feeling disconnected and need more from them. Barring any serious reason for falling apart—emotional or physical abuse, for example—couples need to work to stay together.
Having an honest conversation with your partner and telling them what you need is key for a rewarding sex life. Discuss trying new techniques or sex toys to reignite the sexual chemistry and romance, and make sure to express to your partner that you respect their needs and want them to be happy. By doing this, you’re more likely to find a solution you both will be happy with.
Taking Turns
Another important key to maintaining intimate sexual connection is not letting or expecting your partner to do all the work. Don’t expect him to eat you out but refuse to give him head. Failing to get emotionally and physically invested in sex can cause disconnection. If you want to overcome your sexual relationship problems, don't expect your partner to initiate sex all the time, or expect to have the same 'type' of sex all the time. Keeping sex a constantly evolving entity is essential to making it new and exciting. If you are with the same person over and over and can't change THEM, then what do you change? Location, positions, the 'format' of your sex - bring in toys, wear sexy lingerie, take showers together. NEVER make it a programmed event. Always be spontaneous and open to ideas and suggestions from your lover. Be able to indulge in their fantasies, and be willing to discuss your own. It is a fluid condition that you have to be prepared to move with. Variety comes from various places.
I had a few dates, 3 total since 2018. Before that, 0 dates. I have absolutely no interest in being intimate with someone.. I have learned to love myself and relax in my own life. I am 45 and I am ok without a partner.
I’ve had sex about every 90 days for over two years. As of today, it has been 104 days…not that I’m counting or anything. He just doesn’t want to touch me. I guess we are just roommates now.
I’m giving up on this. When I try to talk to him he says he will try…and then it is still nothing.
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